coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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