he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
