evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she told me i tasted like america
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
