I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
