Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
