I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
