I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
