i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
