if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
