Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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