worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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