I just saw a hot homeless man
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
