Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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