And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
