I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
