Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
They are going to name an STD after you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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