let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
