1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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