Umm I'm too high to move.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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