Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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