Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
