I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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