nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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