I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
