I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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