I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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