you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
