After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
