Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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