i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
