What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
