My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
