At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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