I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
