the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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