whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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