peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
