2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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