I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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