You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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