i just wanna soil my oats bro
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
