I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
