the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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