We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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