I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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