if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
