In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
