we have pet lesbian snakes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
