By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
