Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
